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The Hud

What day is it? The Date!: February 7th

THE YEAR?!:2010

In A&E’s devotion to providing it’s loyal fanbase with an ever growing selection of cutting edge material they’ve gone far and wide to invistigate the depths of society in order to obtain new and striking material to fill their selection of hard hitting and fact based shows. When first stumbling on the subject at hand it was originally placed in the stations flagship star ‘Dog The Bounty Hunters’ hand, a job which required his immediate travel to Las Vegas in order locate the perpetrator in question. A&E, upon receiving a series of entrail filled buckets marked ‘Dog’ were than forced to send another respected journalist investigator on the case.

Enter Bill Curtis.

Not willing to end up reduced to a crimson colored pile of pig food like his unfortunate channel sharing, mullet haired compatriot before him, Bill went about this dangerous case with a more cerebral approach, doing the one thing he knew best, handing the case off to his team of writers to investigate so he may later put his name on whatever they may come up with and claim it as his own.

The subject in question? Wanderlei Silva.

The team was puzzled. How did we not hear of this 5’11″ compacted bundle of unbridled monstrosity sooner? Simple. Much like Jude Law before him, this Axe Murdering monster was a United States Import who had already left a long line of unfortunate victims behind him before being unleashed on an unsuspecting American audience, replacing Law’s smarmy arrogance with pure undiluted violence.

The tireless research team worked vigorously, inching closer in an attempt to discover the origins of this monster who walked among us. Tipped off by an anonymous lead, the team traced his humble beginnings back to Caritiba, Brazil. Like a group of curious aliens observing Danny DeVito and Rhea Perlman attempting to have sex, what they found shocked them.

Seemingly this Wanderlei Silva was the result of famed scientist Seth Brundle sending an unfortunate Brazilian and his ferocious junkyard pit-bull through his gene splicing telepod in an act of ultimate animal cruelty. In a related case which sprung up shortly thereafter which had the team researching for possible similarities, Football player Michael Vick had reportedly greased his ass with bitches-in-heat-spray, letting a small herd of American Terriers take turns sending their red rocket’s airborne into the black ass end of space. Later, when being questioned by Bill Curtis’ investigative crew if he had attempted his own version of Human-Dog splicing as Brundle had accomplished before he replied with a simple “Human-Dog splicing what?” It turns out he was not so much a scientific gene-splicer as he was a man following PETA’s advise in an ultimate attempt at redemption.

Shortly after Wanderlei’s birth by telepod Jeff Goldblum sought his own redemption. In an act devised to never allow such a monstrosity as the one he had created into this world again, Jeff went insane, destroying his life’s work and vowing never to let the public by subjected to either another Wanderlei or Jurassic Park II: The Lost World. Saved for a short lived T.V. show, Jeff faded into obscurity, forever haunted by unleashing ‘The Axe Murderer‘ onto the world. Sadly, we may never be blessed by a follow-up to his star making turn as ‘Mac’ in ‘Earth Girls Are Easy.’

Goldblum’s monster evolved into something far worse then he could have ever imagined. An untamed fighting machine who was quickly imported and unleashed on the unsuspecting Japanese public by way of their popular combat sports organization ‘Pride Fighting Championship,’ Wanderlei’s reign of carnage in the land of the rising sun would soon become a thing of lore. The Japanese had for years searched for a successor to their famed nuclear reptile, a monstrous lizard who leveled cities with little moral regard. In Wanderlei Silva they found the same uncontrolled rage shrunk down onto a five foot, eleven inch frame but no less destructive. There was little time wasted before they began pitting The Axe Murderer up against all comers, the result were a beast so scary that if not for his opponents to fight in the ring one would assume he would begin attacking himself, the outcome which would most likely look similar to Brundle’s unfortunate experiment involving his insides-on-the-outsides orangutan friend.

Of the many violent weapons at his disposal, surprisingly the most intimidating was his strategy before the fight had even yet to begin. Like a Great White shark moments before the attack, Wanderlei’s stare down has become a thing of legend, like the X-Men’s Cyclops before him, Wanderlei was soon required by law to wear doctor prescribed shades in all places public for fear of mass panic.

Prior to his October 2000 match up with Gilbert Yvel, while walking down the streets of Tokyo the Axe Murderers glare alone netted him the misfortune of being charged thirteen times in the Japanese legal court systems for ‘attempted vision rape,’ an isolated incident no mortal man has thus far been able to replicate. A devout fan of The Axe Murderer, actor David Spade has repeatedly attempted to emulate that fateful vision-raping occasion but to no avail, although on many occasions getting pretty damn close. It is unclear at this moment whether or not Wanderlei’s five year old son ‘Thor,’ who most have fittingly nicknamed ‘The Lil’ Hatchet Murderer’ has acquired these abilities although time will tell.

In Wandy’s (A nicknamed most have given him in an effort to soften his image. The result is akin to putting an adorable PetsMart doggy sweater on Stephen King’s title character from the book Cujo.) repertoire were a collection of weapons he stored (which when not in use was often raided from his cutlery drawer by Michael Meyers and Jason Vorhees ) including:

• Gorilla Hooks. His bread and butter method of attack. Eyes closed, head down and arms swinging he came at you like an enraged overweight child who had just received word he’d be shipped to fat camp. This blitzkrieg was the set-up shot, which opened up three distant possibilities.
  
• Knees. As a child locked in the basement, Wanderlei would look on through the dusty window below and watch outside as Goldblum’s landscaper Jeff Fahey (When not working for the next door neighbor Pierce Brosnon on his cutting edge Virtual Reality devices) would accomplish an array of tasks. One fateful morning Silva peered on as Fahey used a jackhammer to renovate some loose asphalt. The image of a horribly hair-dyed landscaper in overalls using this weapon of destruction was ingrained forever in the young Murderer’s mind and he has since tried his best to accurately replicate the tool on his victims faces. Most famous of these victims were Quinton ‘Rampage’ Jackson, who has went on record numerous times telling of his hatred for 1992′s The Lawnmower Man and the ensuing effects it had on Wanderlei.
• Soccer Kicks. A finishing move set up by Gorilla Hooks in which The Axe Murderer punts the heads of his victims as souvenirs for guests in attendance.This is likely where he got his reputation of being ‘fan friendly.’
  
• Foot Stomps. The Axe Murderer’s Fatality move, in which the feared Brazilian attempts to make fine wine out of his victims face.

The steadfast research team, fueled by Mountain Dew and a commitment to watch ‘Sneakers’ at least once daily to keep spirits lifted moved on, turned their journalist page’s next to Chapter II: Wanderlei’s Violence.

In order to fully comprehend their adversary at hand Bill Curtis’ crackpot team of sleuths next step was watching The Axe Murderer in action. Unlike Dahmer, Gacey and Bundy before him, Wandy’s crime’s had each been painstakingly shot and edited with descriptive color commentary to boot. The men of American Justice put in a tape which lasted less than one minute, a short span of time which they would remember forever and shake them all to their core.

The tape in question was the 2008 match-up between Wanderlei Silva and Keith Jardine which occurred in The Axe Murderer’s adopted city of Las Vegas, Nevada and took place within the Mixed Martial Arts organization the Ultimate Fighting Championship. By now the team was well aware of the criminal, but what of his bald headed, goateed victim? It turns out Keith Jardine, whom one of the researchers found was at one time tapped to play the rocky road loving antagonist ‘Sloth’ in the never materialized prequel to 1986′s Goonies, was no boyscout himself. ‘The Dean Of Mean,’ a nickname someone had given him in an obvious attempt to prolong his virginity for at least ten more years, was a brawler much like Wanderlei who had similarly been brought through a faulty gene-splicing telepod. This brought forth the terrifying moment of realization that had the researchers concluding Jeff Goldblum was likely alive and well, isolating himself in The Lost World and christening himself the successor to Brando’s bloated, Twinkie wrapper filled throne.

The team now knew Wanderlei was going in against a skull crusher much like himself, and in a thought which brought about memories of the 60′s classic ‘Destroy All Monsters,’ the group of researchers mind’s raced at the thought of two, gigantic rubber faced beasts colliding with one another. The tape was put in, and the play button was pushed.

In an eerie scene which many the producers of the HBO series ‘Oz’ have threatened to sue over copyright infringement, it took exactly thirty six seconds for Wandy to take the small remaining fragment of manhood from Jardine ( Much of it had jumped ship immediately prior to naming himself ‘The Dean of Mean’ ) cut it off, drive a considerable distance away and throw the tiny, limp portion of it into a nearby field. It was an act of soul stealing carnage which brought on a wave of post traumatic stress for an attending John Bobbit who was seated live in the audience. Looking with an observent eye when viewing the quick lived brawl you can actually see Jardine unwittingly reenact the Israelite robe wearing Belloq as he pears into the Wanderlei Ark one moment before having his face exploded like a Gallager Watermelon.

Reportedly sitting at home watching the fight himself, Harrison Ford screamed to his girlfriend and former Ally McBeal star to cover her eyes in the small chance Wandy’s uncontrollable power shot out like the hammer of god, punishing all those who dared question his power. A lengthy finger pointing session ensued later that week as the former ‘Star Wars’ star warned UFC president Dana White of the villainy Wanderlei possessed.

“Axe Murdering Brazilians. I hate these guys.”

Jodie Foster has since demanded that any aspiring actress looking to take on the titular character in the remake of her Oscar winning 1988 performance in The Accused take a look at Keith’s role in the match up between himself and The Axe Murderer. Much like her role as Sarah Tobias in the aforementioned film, Jardine looked to want it, and he sure as hell ended up getting it. The ‘Dean Of Mean’ has since admitted that his scraggly, goateed asshole clenches up involuntarily whenever his UFC 84 rapist opponents name is brought up in conversation.

Upon studying this disturbing reel of destructive, Axe Murdering violence the team of researchers had hit an investigative brick wall. What could they possibly due to stop this destructive force of nature, a man who took his childhood idol the Tasmanian Devil and role-played him to life with a passionate ferocity making Furries the world round envious of his commitment and dedication to the craft.

Before long a crack in the case had been found. Looking into Wanderlei’s upcoming fight schedule the team was quick to learn of a match up between himself and the cocky fighter ‘Michael Bisping,’ another import with an attitude similar to his arrogant British cohort Jude Law. ” It’s perfect! ” The team was quick to exclaim in unison. Researching Bisping further the team learned he proclaimed himself a ‘knockout’ artist, someone who was not afraid to stand and bang with the feared Brazilian lab experiment. Could this be Godzilla’s Mothra, an otherwise unassuming beast with the power to slay Brundle’s greatest creation?

With beaming smiles they patted each other on the back and the words ‘Job well done’ were thrown about by various members to one another; the long journey was finally over. The team of researchers hastily made their way back to Bill. The team entered Mr. Curtis’ office and fought back their giddy, school boy enthusiasm. ” Well, gentlemen? ” Bill Curtis proclaimed as he rose from his desk, eying the men stoically. ” Mr. Curtis, another American Justice file closed. Wanderlei will soon be slain and the American ally who accomplished the task will soon after find himself flying to England, greeted like a King. ” The statement was met was silence. Bill nodded his head and furrowed his brow, putting a quick eye on all his researchers involved. ” England? You’re speaking of Michael Bisping, correct? ” Looking to each other and smiling the men quickly resumed position, directing their attention back on the American Justice host. ” Yes Mr. Curtis. We believe Michael Bisping will be able to stop what Jeff Goldblum and his cursed telepod started. ” The acclaimed investigative entertainer braced his hands on the arms of his chair and sat himself back down. ” Gentlemen, I’m blown away. I can with all honesty say that I am truly blown away. ” The men tried in vain to hide their grins which threatened to outstretch the faces which housed them. Before they had a reply, Bill was quick to follow up. ” I think A&E would agree with me that American Justice can no longer contain a group of individuals such as yourselves. In fact, I am making a phone call to the executives of this station post haste. Starting tomorrow I, and I’m sure my superiors will be quick to agree, want you to show up in production house three. Congratulations, gentlemen. ”

The men left Mr. Curtis’ office and their emotions soared. No longer nestled under the wing of the American Justice stalwart, it was time for this crew to spread their wings and fly. They eagerly anticipated the upcoming work week. Small Town Justice Files? The Jeff Goldblum Diaries? So many options, what direction could Mr. Curtis have recommended their flagship show follow?

Bright and early the crackpot team show up to set and were met by the veteran actor and star of their new show.