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The Adventures Of Eddie Valiant: Dead Smurfs Tell No Tales

The Hud

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The Hud

What day is it? The Date!: Jan. 30th

THE YEAR?!:2010

The elder detective made his slow approach to the scene and shook his head in disgust. Overdose. The little bastard had everything in the world going for it and he had pissed it all away. Removing himself from the huddled crowd of police, paramedics and paparazzi the longtime veteran of the L.A. crime scene sought a moment of privacy. Taking his old friend Jack out of his slicker and going for a bit of the old bottoms up the oft repeated phrase rose through his insides and met the cascading booze halfway before finally escaping through his lips.

“Toons.”

Turpentine, acetone and benzine. Most people knew it by the name of The Dip. It was the only way to kill a cartoon and a formula created by Judge Doom, a self-hating animaniac whose case the liquor guzzling P.I. had cracked many years before.  It was an investigation which brought the detective notoriety, fame and the trust of all his 2-D counterparts worldwide. He was a saint to the very creatures he despised, and it was hard for him not to chuckle upon the realization that well into his seventies he was still cleaning up after the messes these toons had created for themselves.

In his old age he had found himself more a novelty than an actual aide in scenes such as these, a relic the police would use rile up interest in a toon case with the public. “Eddie Valiant, 74 years old and still defending the rights of our animated brethren across America!”

Over the years it was getting harder to keep control on these hand drawn loony’s and with the advent of the 1980′s they had found a bigger anvil to drop on their animated heads. Except this time there were no stars, only a splatter stained body upon the curb like the little blue son of a bitch the paramedics were zipping up into a morgue bag now.

The use of Dope among the flesh and blood citizens of Hollywood was all the rage in the current decade and not ones to be left out cold confines of restraint, the toons had soon found their backdoor into the house of excess.

Dipe. A combination of dope and the dip, fashioned into a form of  nose candy that had been downgraded just enough not to fry the user but give ‘em a killer high. Leave it to a toon to lust after the only known substance which possessed the ability to leave them dead.

Looking towards the mob which had congregated on the set in order to get a better view of the tragedy at hand, Valiant reflected back on the good old days. Proving Goofy’s innocence as an undercover Commie sure seemed like a ray of sunshine compared to the shit he was dealing with now.

“Gosh, they seemed so innocent on screen.” The statement hit Eddie like a ton of bricks, a bitter reminder he wasn’t the only P.I. on this case. “Looks can be deceiving my Ferrari driving friend.”

If trying to kick a dozen Smurf’s off the junk wasn’t bad enough, the grizzled detective was now partnered with the ultimate boy scout. On a summer hiatus from his hit T.V. show, his mustachioed cohort looked to make the transition into Toon Town mystery solving.  It was the studios effort to make way for a new breed of animated investigators, the old lion passing the torch to the young up and comer. Far as Eddie was concerned, he was a toon himself. Wile E. Coyote chased a bird he’d never catch and likewise his rookie actor-turned-sleuth lost out on Raiders of the Lost Ark in order to play a transplant Hawaiian . Both career ending decisions in their own right.

“Jump in your helicopter and grab me a cup o’ joe, will ya Tom?” With little hesitation his tropical shirt wearing partner was on the case. “Sure thing, boss!”

Although the over the hill detective would never admit it, in times like these he missed Roger.

The rabbit was never the same after Jessica left him. In an effort to keep his young male audience convinced of his masculinity, the studios successfully wooed her to divorce Roger and marry the closeted He-Man in order to keep appearances.  It was no secret the master of the universe was letting a string of animated dandies into his black hole, but a job destitute Jessica acted as his beard anyways in an exchange for a promise of work.

Although no longer a couple, Jessica still promised to see Roger on the side. Sadly it was too late. Out of a job and a wife The Dip ended up claiming another victim, this time by way of suicide.

“Here’s your coffee, Mr. Valiant!” The well-past-retirement age detective turned to his eager partner. “Thanks, kid.” Eddie followed up his speech with a thought better kept to himself. “But you forget the most important ingredient.” Turning around and pulling a little more self medication from his raincoat Valiant quickly rectified the situation, pouring a liberal amount into his scolding cup of coffee.

“Eddie, how do you figure we get these poor toons off the dipe?” The wise detective turned to face his Magnum P.I. starring friend and shot him a look like he had just been forced to sit through Three Men And A Baby. “Tom I think we’d be much better off splitting up. You go explore Toon Town for a bit while I check out the Studio lot. Sound good?” Selleck’s eyes lit up as Valiant finished his question.  “That sounds like a great idea! My first real case. I’m gonna show these suits I’m much more than just a well groomed mustache sporting a sexy mane of chest hair!”

Wishing his ditzy partner had kept that last bit to himself, Valiant began his trek around the backlot looking for possible clues.

Running into a who’s who of the modern animation landscape, including Heathcliff, Optimus Prime and Strawberry Shortcake, Eddie seemed to find they all had a common interest; find whoever was supplying their toon friends with this lethal cocktail and stop it, a.s.a.p.

Snake Eyes and Skeletor were holed up in a Greyskull hotel for weeks at a time on the junk, Huey, Dewey and Louie were in Juvenile rehab and Grumpy Bear’s septum had a quarter sized holed which would make Stevie Nicks jealous. Even for his 2-d counterparts, it was all getting out of hand.

The old man had one last case in him and in order to find the culprit his own feelings regarding toons were going to have to be shelved once again. It was due time to crack this sucker wide open and stop the deadly supply of Dipe.

His questioning had gotten him no where and the sun was beginning to crest upon the Universal backlot. In an attempt at reversing his slide into frustration the grizzled detective tilted his perspective in an effort to come in at a different angle. It worked perfectly.

If the hired hands had no answers maybe the suits did. Casually browsing the many building which occupied the famed Universal Studio Eddie was quick to discover a film division that was new to his wizened eye. “Motion Capture Division?” It was terminology new to the Valiant lexicon and peaked the curiosity of the snooping dick.

Helping himself to the back entrance and sneaking in without effort, Eddie began his exploration of the young mysterious new branch of the Universal Studio lot.

TO BE CONCLUDED…

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This entry was posted on Saturday, January 30th, 2010 at 8:00 amand is filed under Satire. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.

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