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The Hud

What day is it? The Date!: May 2nd

THE YEAR?!:2010

“Strap him down and light ‘er up.” The statement came out like a weathered grunt. The moment unfolding now was a scenario Sergeant Bill Brixby had experienced numerous times before and although horrific to most, as far as he was concerned this was just another day at the office.

Blatant product placement, Starry eyed ( and horribly acted ) post-Nuclear families migrating towards Sunny Southern California, Illegal Aliens ( In latex suits which would make the cast from the original Godzilla cringe ) taken with the promise of a better life once injected into the American machine and a plot so close to 1982′s E.T. you’d swear it was outright plagiarism save for an impromptu fifteen minute dance off ( Complete with an adult football team in uniform and rehearsed choreography ) in the local McDonald’s that’s so random and bizarre even David Lynch didn’t get it.

The previous paragraph only begins to describe 1988′s ‘Mac and Me’, an utter commercial and critical failure which taught us handicapped children could essentially fly hundreds of feet through the air all the while remaining strapped effortlessly to their wheelchairs; the parents simply letting out a tired sigh of exhaustion upon concluding the death defying act was only a desperate plea for attention.

The film was a cringe inducing wreck and Sergeant Brixby knew it. So why did he continue to put it in, day after day raping his helpless DVD player with the movie’s obnoxious filth? It wasn’t for pleasure, in fact, far from it.

For years he had refined the art of modern day torture. How do you break a man’s psyche without offending the masses and changing public opinion of the military? Metallica, Megadeth, Black Sabbath. They worked, but not to the extent he had hoped. Add in the preconceived notion of Heavy Metal as devil’s music and Brixby found himself in the same tired predicament. Was friendly torture possible?

Enter Mac and Me.

Unknowingly the filmmakers had created the perfect mix the Sergeant had been searching for so long. It flew under anti-torture advocates because it was a family movie, it was also a statement upon the sacrifices an immigrant must make when becoming an American citizen and most importantly…it was the shittiest movie ever made. A cinematic turd so offensive it had broken even the most iron willed opposition to U.S. freedom; including the man strapped to the chair now.

“How’s he doing?” Brixby snarled, nursing the tobacco juices from his cigar and glancing up to the ‘Mac and Me’ chamber monitor.

“The McDonald’s dance scene is about to begin, sir.”

The hard clenching of his jaw threatened to pierce the finely wrapped Cohiba in two. “Jesus” the Sergeant muttered to himself. No matter how many times he had heard those words they still managed to send a cold shudder up his spine.

The private entered the room and Sergeant Brixby stood to his feet, wiping the sweat from his forehead in an effort to keep an element of composure.

“Well?” He stood with baited breath. No one to this point had made it past the dance scene and Brixby was eager to hear the results.

“He made it, barely. Passed out a few times when he saw the Teddy Bear – no doubt due to his flashbacks from the Teddy Ruxpin commercial we showed him previously – but he made it through.”

The Sergeant sat his hands upon his hips and hung his head low in a temporary moment of defeat. “Where is he now?”

“Approaching the final scene, sir.”

A gleam of energy bolted throughout his eyes and his jaws came roaring back to life, chomping hastily at his flavorful cigar. “Let’s find out what this son of a bitch is made of.”

In a rare show of questioning one’s superiors, the private hesitated to display the same enthusiasm. “Sir…are you sure? He may not make it out alive.”

“Let it roll to the final frame, private.”

WHITE HOUSE PRESS RELEASE - MAY 3rd, 2010

Closure Of ‘Mac and Me’

Detention Facilities

EXECUTIVE ORDER — REVIEW AND DISPOSITION OF INDIVIDUALS DETAINED AT THE ‘MAC AND ME’ NAVAL BASE AND CLOSURE OF DETENTION FACILITIES

By the authority vested in me as President by the Constitution and the laws of the United States of America, in order to effect the appropriate disposition of individuals currently detained by the Department of Defense at the Mac And Me Naval Base (Codename: Big Mac) and promptly to close detention facilities at Mac And Me consistent with the national security and foreign policy interests of the United States and the interests of justice, I hereby order as follows:

Sec. 2. Findings.